Oldest dreams start at the bottom.

[DREAM 1/9/2021]

Two Dreams | Air Gasp and Ghost Ribbon (cw: nsfw)

I woke up from a dream but I don't remember it. I know I was having a conversation with someone who felt like a good friend. When I woke up I was gasping for air, which woke Ian up. I apparently grabbed their shoulder and shook them. My heart was racing so hard I was worried it wouldn't ever go back to normal. Ian asked me what was wrong, but I didn't remember having any bad dreams. In fact, I remember feeling at peace in my dream. Suddenly a wave of calm overcame me, making me sleepy. I didn't feel afraid anymore, my heart rate was regular. The panic attack lasted only a minute or two and then I was fine. Only feeling left over was the adrenaline kick, making me feel a bit woozy.

Later I had another dream about being a ghost. I was floating through walls to explore various homes, but people kept seeing me, getting scared, and kicking me out. I ended up in the house my mother owns and I fled out of discomfort. In the backyard I wander to a neighbor’s house. Even though I never met these neighbors, I've dreamt quite a bit about their house.

I’m inside the neighbor’s house, it occupies a group of young women who are renting it out. Only one resident is home. I avoid her, but I’m having difficulties. I eventually end up in an ex roommate’s old room, which is still filled with her belongings. It’s cluttered and in disarray. I’m looking out the window, it’s overcast and I can see some vivid flowers.

The other person who was in the house finds me. At first she seems to want me to leave, but then we start to become intimate. Our roles are suddenly reversed; I’m the lady and she’s now the ghost. She explains to me that ghosts are able to change their appearance, so she grows a dick. She starts wrapping a pink ribbon covered in symbols around it as a condom, explaining it's for ‘spiritual protection”. “I wish i could grow a dick!” I say. We start fucking, but I get too excited and wake up.

Note: The thought of that ribbon still haunts me LMAO

[DREAM 1/8/2021]

Cake Donut

I was in the house I grew up in that was owned by my grandma. A disgusting hoarder home filled to the top with utter crap. I'm a child again and I'm walking around naked looking for clothes to wear so I can go to school. I'm aware that I'm an adult in a child's body, but rather than freak out I'm just trying to get through each moment. Everything is just like how I remembered it: whatever clothing was on the ground was free rein to wear.

I first picked up a faded black knit sweater. It was sleeveless, almost an acceptable dress length, and the shoulders had a nice frill going on. It was too short so I looked around and found another sleeveless black and white striped dress made of stretchy rayon. I layered this dress below my sweater. I was afraid I'd be cold so I searched around and found a grey cotton cardigan that was almost too long for my small body. the front of the cardigan was longer than the back. I tucked the left front end into the left pocket.

I'm in the bathroom examining my outfit. I look good, I think, but it's still a little sloppy and maybe a strange outfit for a child. I was worried someone might find it odd how dark I was dressing. I notice my hair is long again, and the part was done in a zig zag.

I hear my grandma from the other room calling for me. (note: her bedroom was connected to the only bathroom which was connected to my bedroom. The house I grew up in was very strange in its room arrangement). I was excited to see her but then I suddenly stopped. She's been dead since I was 6, and I don't have particularly good memories with her. I also know what she did to my mother. I told her I was busy and walked away. I felt fearful to see her again after all these years.

A voice spoke to me in my head, it was not my own. "Maybe instead of seeing your Grandma, you should steal a bite off your sister's donut". I walked into the dining room where my sister was seated facing the kitchen. She had a pink cake donut in a cup, and I snagged a bite out of it. She looked confused and annoyed. I woke up.

[DREAM 1/5/2021]

Mother’s Dying Soul

The dream started out with Ian and I in a mall setting where a game show was taking place. I only remember the game show host: a tall, thin, white man with curly blond hair wearing a suit. The whole scene felt like something from the 80's.

Somehow I'm now back at my childhood home. I'm cleaning it up with Ian and a few other people because my mom couldn't take care of it anymore. There was an infestation of various bugs: roaches, bed bugs, lice, maggots, strange worm like creatures and centipedes. The bugs were in clusters crawling all over each other, scattered around the hoarder home. Flesh like tendrils grew up the walls and covered various stuff piles. These strange entities attracted the bug cluster. I felt stressed out and I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I felt a crushing burden, having to deal with my mom's disgusting garbage and having to be near her. She was in the kitchen and I recall her being rude but somewhat out of it. I felt bad that Ian had to see all of this.

Dream changes again, I'm in an upscale neighborhood at night that is eerily dark and quiet. There's these fancy McMansions and I know I'm on a hill. The road has many perfectly planted tall trees which hide many of the street lamps. I'm standing on the sidewalk. My mom is suddenly walking towards me slowly from the street. She's sobbing and hysterical. Suddenly it occurs to me that this is her soul and she is now dead, come to visit me one last time in dream before her departure to whatever happens to a dead person. I'm excited because my dream self came to the conclusion that I already knew I'd have this dream that night. Suddenly it felt like all my strange beliefs were proven. Course, I was not comforted by the image of my abusive sobbing mother staggering towards me in a zombie like state.

First I begin to console her, explaining that I understood that she went through horrible things herself and that I'm glad she would be free from the burden of life. I tried to avoid mentioning that I felt her previous actions were unforgivable, but I was certainly thinking it. Suddenly I sense (without her explicitly stating it) that she wants me to hug her. Hugging was something she would use against me when I was growing up. I was hesitant, but she grabs onto my arm and is trying to pull me forward with her. It felt like she might pull me somewhere I didn't want to go. A car drives up, it's the people who take dead souls away to whatever awaits them. The passenger side window rolls down and there's a bald middle aged man. "We don't have all day you know" he says. I look over to mom and mention she has to go, they're waiting. She's screaming through her sobs.

Everything is black now but the white outline of her figure and the glow of her eyes. She's being sucked away from my body. I feel as if my body is flying away from hers at a fast pace. Her figure distorts and her eyes glow more intensely. They're just two reddish-purple bright dots. She's screaming, making the most horrific sounds of despair like she's being tortured.

I wake up, but I'm still dreaming. I'm convinced I was awake for real though. Ian is on the bed beside me and I start gasping for air. They're concerned about what's going on, but I can barely stutter what I just witnessed. I tell them over and over "I think I just saw my mom's ghost, I think she's finally dead". I look over to my phone and there's a paused video on the screen. It's my dream, but from the beginning when I was still at the mall. "I think my phone recorded my dream! We need to watch it before it disappears" I say. The video starts, it’s replaying the dream from the beginning but in low quality like an old vhs tape. I stopped the video out of nervousness because I’m afraid of what I’ll see. I can already tell the faces on the screen look creepily disordered. I’m afraid I’ll see something pop out that's disturbing.

It occurs to me that logically it makes no sense for my phone to have recorded my dream. This jolts me awake, for real this time.

[DREAM 1/3/2021]

I dreamed about a person I follow online who's in a punk band. I was at a party with them and I sang a song to them for their birthday. The only part of the song I remember had something to do with being a teenage girl losing her virginity for the first time while in a school gym filled with rice cookers. Not just any rice cooker, but the fancy zojirushi ones. After she had sex she felt disappointed so she tried to eat some rice. The rice was soggy though, so she was even more disappointed.

[DREAM 1/1/2021]

First dream of the new year. I don't remember much, but before I went to bed I mentioned to Ian that the first dream of the year is telling of what will happen for the rest of the year.

I dreamed about my second oldest sister who I haven't spoken to in a year. Before we stopped speaking we were starting to get back into good terms and we even spoke nearly everyday, until one day she said she didn't want me to be in her life anymore.

The only thing I remember from the dream was spending time with her and it felt like it did when we were teens. It left me sad and nostalgic. Not only for the lost connection I had with her, but it was also another painful reminder of how lonely I am.

Ian had another dream about going back to Japan so we'll see how their dream forecasts 2021.